And here we go

After I had run to the kitchen and cleared the caller I.D. I stood in a small entry hall between the den and the master bedroom wondering what to do, as if there was something to be done. I just stood there, dumb-founded, ice running through my veins and adrenaline pumping into my stomach. I looked across the room to see her coming out of the hall that lead to the side of the house where the kids' rooms were. She silently sat down in a rocker-recliner where we had, only a few short years ago, rocked my daughter and son to sleep when they were babies. She looked up at me as she crossed her arms and leaned back into the chair calmly asking “Are you in love with him?” I think my heart literally stopped for a split second and I could not breath. The first thing that went through my mind was “Why am I scared? This is what I want. Why am I afraid to answer?”.

I can tell you why I was afraid to answer. The fact that she asked the question let me know she had suspected for quite a while something was going on between him and me and that shocked me into a momentary silence. It could be said that I should have had some balls and just blurt out the truth, however I was certain at the time that if I were to honestly answer her right then and there her very next breath would be taken 120 miles away at her parents' house and, of course, my son and daughter would be with her. In the three or four seconds it took for me to reply I envisioned a life separated from my son and daughter and not being able to see them very often, the wrath of my father-in-law (although, that was not, in and of itself a deterrent, but just just "one more thing" to deal with), the possibility of doing irreparable damage to my relationship with my dad and step-mother; the incredible pain it would cause my children being torn away from me (and me from them) with their immediate move back to our hometown and just the general fear of being "labeled" something that has always been portrayed as negative. In spite of being sexually active with other men since the age of 14 I was afraid of being labeled "gay" (Ridiculous, I know, and proof I had so much to learn about myself and life in general). I was not, after all, a screaming queen; I was not effeminate in any way; I had spent five successful years in the Army and always had girls flirting with me. All that being said, I knew the time had arrived to finally speak the words out loud.

After what seemed like an eternity, but in reality was probably only three to four seconds, I just looked at her and said "I don't know". The truth of the matter was I did know. I was in love with a man and this was the coming to a head of 30 years of denying who I was. It was the moment when I was being reborn as the person I truly was meant to be. I am quite sure we experience pain and sensory overload as we come into this world. Nature, I also believe, has seen to it that we don't remember any of it in order to protect us. I would not, however, have that protection during this birth and would fully experience and remember all the pain and sensory overload that was coming my way; and god knows it was now well on the way. She was now faced for the first time in her life, as far as I knew, with the possible loss of control of those around her and her ability to get what she wanted. Being married to her for the last 19 years and knowing her for a total of 24 years I knew this was going to be scary for anyone within her blast radius.

The second I spoke those words I knew my life was going to change, however I did not know at that point to what extent. She did not say much at first, but just tightened her lips and looked at me. Her reaction, or actually, lack of one, rattled me. I fully expected some sort of immediate "freak out" on her part, however the way she responded let me know two things: 1) maybe she was capable of keeping her composure and having an adult conversation about something which she had no control and 2) her not going ballistic gave me the impression that she already knew, or at least strongly suspected, and it was almost a relief. The first thing made me a little proud of her and the second made me feel sorry for her.